Welcome, good readers!  UM is a blog about life, and the things therein.  I’ve started the revamping process and plan to continue it, but we’ll see, won’t we!  I intend on streamlining the articles on here, making it easier for you to read and me to write.  Less stress all around.  Who has time to click a bunch of links?  Not me.  Screw that.  I will probably make whatever I’m currently into my “home page”, so that will explain the awkward bold title.  Today it’s movies.  Check back periodically to see if I’ve kept up my end, and let me know if you have any recommendations or feedback.  Also make sure you follow on Instagram or Twitter, as I’ll post new updates on there, as well.  There will be a book corner very soon, too, so holler at me with any recommendations.  Hot dog!!  Anyway, thanks for stopping by, and feel free to leave a comment below.

• Chris

 

So…movies, huh?  We watch a shit ton.  A lot of them are awful, but there are many films worth diving into.  It seems that the majority of the movies that remain in our “unseen” pile are pretty terrible, though.  Perhaps because we’ve seen so damned many, it’s hard to pick new ones that are worth it.  Perhaps we just have weird tastes, so the greats of the cinema world get passed by.  Either way, it also leads to repeat watches, which you’re sure to find if you scroll far enough. There are some key finds scattered throughout the masses, however.  Below are our thoughts on the flicks we’ve viewed, and please keep in mind that this is a rolling post, which means that we will add more thoughts and reactions to films as we watch them.  The newest viewed films are on top, and as you scroll, you’ll most likely realize the format changes here and there.  That is because I’ve taken all of the movie posts from the life of the site, and made one long rolling one to avoid excess clicking.  Thanks for reading, and may God help us all.

 

It’s the weekend of the 4th of July (2020), so I figured you all might need some recommendations for when you’re not blowing shit up.  Fear not! I got you covered with a few related titles, and a few that have absolutely nothing to do with the holiday.

Uncle Sam (1996)

Master Sergeant Sam Harper’s helicopter goes down and he dies oversees after shooting his superior officer.  The body is then dropped off at his sister’s house right before the 4th.  Her son, Jody, idolized “Uncle Sam” and vowed to be exactly like him.  Well, he was on his way, because the kid was dead-eyed fucking creepy.  Anyway, when some ne’er-do-well kids burn an American flag over Sam’s empty grave site, he wakes up mad and zombified, ready to mow some mofos down.  The death scenes were decent, and the makeup wasn’t bad for the mid-90s, but we spent the majority of the movie trying to figure out who the hell everybody was.  At the hour-sixteen mark, we finally decided that the main blonde lady was Jody’s mother, and Sam’s sister.  We then deduced that the other blonde lady, who looked just like the first one, was NOT her sister (as was mistakenly stated early on), but in fact her sister-in-law and was previously married to Sam.  So there you go, we saved you some time trying to lock that down.  The flick supports an all-star cast including: the guy who played David’s dad in the ’86 remake of Invaders from Mars, that kid from that one episode of Frasier, some dude named “Shark”, Isaac Hayes, and most importantly:  The man.  The myth.  The thankfully closed captioned – “Mumblin” Bo Hopkins.  Watch it, what the hell? It’s a fun, stupid 4th of July movie written by Larry Cohen (Q, The Stuff), and it can probably be had for a shiny nickel (if not for free somewhere.)

 

The Return of the Living Dead (1985)

It’s been a bit since I watched this flick, so stay with me.  I don’t remember this being a 4th of July movie, but I saw a blog post on another site about it, so I might as well include it.  Even if it actually isn’t, it’s a fucking rad movie that you need to see.  It involves toxic waste, 80s punks, the military and a cemetery.  I’m not sure what else you need.  The FX are phenomenal, the soundtrack kicks ass, and the acting is great.  Just watch it.

 

I Know What You Did Last Summer (1997)

Honestly, I fell asleep.  I was familiar enough with it, having seen it a couple of times on VHS back in the day, and it was late enough in the evening that I was out like a light about half way through.  I do believe it’s worth your time, though if you haven’t seen it.  Or maybe you have, and you need some nostalgia in your life.  Go for it.  It’s a decent slasher flick, and I think it still holds up.

 

Warrior of the Lost World (1984)

Randall Crowe (Russell’s brother) is hired to break some professor dude out of a jailish place in a post-apocalyptic world run by Donald Pleasence.  The professor dude organizes a revolt against Omega, the Naziesque gov, and Popeye’s nemesis Bluto drives one of the rebel trucks through a couple of cars.  Meanwhile Randall’s motorcycle (named Einstein) talks to him by repeating everything three times for no reason.  This was clearly transferred straight from VHS, because you can see tracking squiggles periodically throughout.  I actually felt a little dirty watching it on an HDTV, but that was 86ed when I realized that they left in the CRT lines over the picture.  The sound is almost unbearable and the acting is worse than that.  I’m not sure how they got DP to agree to this movie, but he’s the only hope you have of getting through it.  Fun fact: DP’s character looks strikingly similar to his role in the James Bond flick, You Only Live Twice (1967) which was the main basis for Dr. Evil in the Austin Powers flicks.

 

They Nest or Creepy Crawlers (2000)

In this “should be, but apparently wasn’t a” TV flick, a bunch of killer cockroaches terrorize a small island off the Maine coast.  If you check the book page (coming up shortly), you’ll notice a similarity to the novel The Nest by Gregory A. Douglas.  I juggled with whether they were trying to pay tribute to the book (which is great, by the way), or just rip it off.  I landed on the latter of the choices, because that’s where the similarities end (also the movie adaptation of that book is farther down the post you’re currently on.)  The film is OK if you’re going in blind, but nothing to write home about.  Or to anyone outside of this blog, really.  The quality was very DVD, and the FX were definitely early 2000s.  What kept me going (besides this weird need to watch, and ultimately finish, any creature movie I find), was the protagonist’s all around goofiness, as well as the soundtrack (it had some definite Twilight Zone moments.)  Thomas Calabro is just a big old goober, and it works when it really shouldn’t.  At one point, he wanders into a 1st grade classroom to talk with another character, but is asked to wait a moment while a child finishes his speech for the class.  While waiting, Dr. Cahill (Calabro) grabs a book from the shelf about insects which is clearly written for 1st graders.  After locating the type of bug invading the town in said book, he promptly steals it, and uses it as a reference for the remainder of the movie.  I was actually alright with this, because it’s not like any of us were going to get any real information from this film anyway.  If you have time, and need a small chuckle with some bad FX, go ahead and watch.  If not, read The Nest instead.

 

Slugs (1988)

In this J. P. Simon (The Rift, Supersonic Man) joint, a bunch of gross ass carnivorous slugs invade a small Midwestern (shot in NY) town.  The practical FX were actually very good, and mostly held through the up-res.  I’d love to see the Blu-ray version (I streamed on Amazon Prime.)  The soundtrack was very weird, though.  One minute I was being disgusted by giant slugs while ominous violin music played, and the next I was jamming to some tunes straight out of a sitcom.  Taxi meets Frankenstein.  The acting was pretty over-the-top, especially Michael Garfield in the lead role.  It was passable though, and Foley (played by Santiago Álvarez) seems to have been attempting his best Tim Curry impression the entire time.  He pulled it off, too, nailing the voiceover of my childhood nightmares.  The film was based on a novel written by Shaun Hutson, which I have now added to my “must read” pile.

 

The Rift (1990)

This film was once again brought to you by J. P. Simon, and stars Ray Wise (Twin Peaks, The Journey of Natty Gann), R. Lee Ermey (Se7en) and Jack Scalia (Dallas and apparently, The Rift).  A submarine that Scalia’s character designed goes dark, so they assemble a new team, lead by Ermey, to recover the black box and find out what happened.  Spoiler alert: they find the box’s signal, which is coming from an underwater cavern housing a lab full of mutant science.  Fish creatures and toxic seaweed attack, but, except for the majority of the fun FX, the movie’s pretty much garbage.  Scalia spends most of his time telling women to get out of his way, and the external sub scenes look like they were shot in Simon’s bath tub.  Fun fact: the end credits (and IMDB) show Scalia’s character’s last name as “Hayes”, while his uniform in the movie reads “Hays”…the more you know.  Amy’s pretty certain they had Chad on costume duty that day.

 

Witchouse (1999)

Awful.  Jesus.  Some woman invites a bunch of her friends to an old mansion so they can summon her ancestor Lilith La Fay, because fuck it.  Why not.  The acting was so bad that it was hard to get through at times.  If you’re a returning reader of this blog, you’ll know that’s a feat for me.  We couldn’t tell if the “bad ass” blonde lady was aware of how terrible she was, and we’re curious if she thought she actually pulled off whatever that was she was attempting to do.  I wouldn’t call it acting, really.  Luckily, it rings in pretty short at a bit over an hour, but it’s a long hour.  During one impeccably written piece of dialogue, Lilith calls her descendant her ancestor.  We pondered for a moment how that was missed, then realized that the bar hadn’t been set too awful high in the first place, so…again.  Fuck it, I guess.  The mood of the movie feels like an episode of Buffy where everyone on the 1st AND 2nd string called in sick, so they sent in the C Squad.  Skip this monstrosity.

 

Bad Moon (1996)

The opening scene drops you into what feels like the 45 minute mark of an alternate reality Friday the 13th movie where Jason is a werewolf, and Camp Crystal Lake is in some jungle.  Cut to Dennis the Menace hanging out with a kick ass German Shepherd. We like GSs around these here parts.  Check the Instagram, it’ll confirm it, along with a few other things, I’m sure.  The writing is a little angering, as is the the acting, but the practical FX are very well done, and also fairly bloody.  That’s good.  The video upscale is pretty clear, which is scary for an older monster flick, because you tend to see more of the flaws than on the original VHS or even DVD.  With this in mind, I was scoping the werewolf FX pretty hard, and the animatronics held up.  Nice job, Steve Johnson FX (check out that resume.  Wow.)  The wolf transformation was a big bummer, though.  I’m warning you now, it’s bullshit.  The dog, Thor (played by Primo, and also the name of the novel the film’s based on) was fantastic, though.  I didn’t catch any “what’s my trainer saying” off-screen stares, which is difficult.  If you’re into werewolves, it’s worth checking out, but prepare yourself for a pretty gut wrenching scene about 2/3 thru.  Also, I’d love for someone to explain to me how the hell they got Uncle Ted’s airstream up that fucking hill and parked so nicely.

 

Deep Evil (2004)

So…hm.  I was fully prepared to tear it apart.  The FX are god awful.  The acting is better than the FX, but not by much.  The Lomas introduction scene was a little weird, with the striptease and all (he’s tied to a chair during this), the writing is dreadful and I’m not sure which actor’s hair is real.  With all that in mind, though, I ended up enjoying this movie.  Don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you will like it by any means, and if you do we can probably be friends because we both like shitty movies, but that’s just what it is, a shitty B-Flick.  I’m pretty sure that this never hit theaters, but if it did, I need to know where these theaters are so I can pull the camper up and live there.

 

Murder, She Wrote

S1 Ep 18: Murder Takes the Bus (1985)

OK, I understand that this page is “Movies” and this isn’t that, but MSW is some of my favorite TV out there.  It’s comforting, cozy, nostalgic (love and thanks, Grandma Mildred) and Dame Lansbury was incredible. I’ve seen most of the episodes, and enjoy repeat watching nearly all of those, but this one spoke to me more than any other in the series.  It’s another classic whodunit which involves JB and Amos on a bus trip to a Maine’s Sheriff Association shindig where JB is to give a speech, and Amos is to (hopefully) win a new big-screen TV.  They soon pick up a gentleman from the prison gates, and a treacherous rainstorm strands them at a diner run by a very quirky character.  Then, as I’m sure you’ve deduced by now, a murder occurs; but perhaps not like you think.  Linda Blair and Rue McClanahan both guest star, and the soundtrack references Psycho, so there you go. Sold.

P.S.  At the time of this writing, this episode is free* with ads on Amazon Prime.

 

The Nesting (1981)

Genuinely Creepy.  The soundtrack adds a suspense that got my heart racing on several occasions, and the odd characters were intensely uneasy.  I loved the house, and Robin Groves (Silver Bullet) is perfect as the agoraphobic mystery writer.  After renting an enormous house in the country, she begins to experience terrifying run-ins with accosting apparitions. There is an abundance of shitty haunted house flicks out there.  This is not one of them.

 

Subspecies (1991)

Charlie Cavill (Henry’s uncle) fights Bizarro Stephen Dorff on a four-day bender in Romania, where he’s terrorizing three ladies for some reason.  This escalates quickly when–

hold on, someone’s shouting something from the other room…

Oh, I guess it’s not Cavil OR Dorff.  I’ll be  damned…Anyway, it was a pretty decent vampire flick with fun special FX.  Also the finger demon creatures are way cool.  I’d love to see more of them in the later installments.

 

Creepozoids (1987)

Streaming this fun-bad creature flick with the Full Moon app yielded decent up-res quality, but no Closed Captioning, which is an issue.  Set in a post-WW3 1998, it revolves around a small group of military deserters running around scrounging shit.  They locate an abandoned science station and run into ROUSes, a gnarly rubber-suited spitting monster, and a few other wonderful surprises.  There is nudity in the first 20 minutes and the acting is barely passable, so it holds true to 80s “gorror”.  Also their laser Uzis are squirt guns.  You’re welcome.

 

Q (1982)

Michael Moriarty and David Carradine star in this Larry Cohen flick about a giant serpent flying around and snatching people from rooftops in NYC. It took me a couple of times of watching to get through it. Moriarty is weird as usual, but the editing was strange, too; much like another Cohen flick, The Stuff (also starring Moriarty.)

 

Castle Freak (1995)

Stuart Gordon (Re-Animator, Dolls, From Beyond) brings the pain in another film from an H. P. Lovecraft story (The Outsider). Jeffrey Combs and Barbara Crampton inherit a castle with a deformed cannibal in the basement. Hijinks ensue. Watch, please.

 

The Crucifixion (2017)

Well, thank Christ that’s over. Jesus H. that was terrible.

 

Itsy Bitsy (2019)

Ensign Crusty joined the pups and I for this spider feature from Scream Factory.  It wasn’t bad, but I couldn’t have cared less about the mom, Kara. The spider was neat, and it seemed like the majority of the FX were practical, which I like. We’re still not sure who the lady on the poster is, but Crusty thought he saw her at the Piggly Wiggly the other day. He’s a guinea pig, though and they don’t shop for groceries, usually, so I know he’s full of shit. Also we don’t have a PW in this town.

 

Seed People (1992)

Body Snatchers meets Critters. I love the creatures in this film, which stars Angus MacGyver’s brother, Dingus MacGyver. In this Solid Goldie, alien seeds snatch some peeps in a small town, Full Moon style. A ding-dong hecka-madoodle hell of a rewatch.

 

 

Halloween 1-4 (1978-1988)

WATCH

Grab the Scream Factory set if you can. The remastering is stellar, and they’re all there.  The original is my favorite. Very well done.

Friday the 13th (1980-2003)

(all except Jason X and the remake. Those are on the way.)

WATCH

My favorite slasher series from day one.  I hold Jason Goes to Hell the most dear (first one I saw new to VHS), but they’re all entertaining. Part 3 had a KILLER (sorry) soundtrack.

Ghost Ship (2002)

SKIP

It started off OK, but fell flat pretty quick. It was a bit too long, and I simply don’t see the cult fascination with it.

From Beyond (1986)

WATCH

From the makers of Re-Animator, Jeffrey Combs shines again in this weird tale of a creature crossing dimensions and being gross.  Loved it.

They Live (1988)

WATCH

Another Carpenter gem.  Plain and simple.  Reminiscent of The Twilight Zone, it had me hooked from start to finish.  Put on the glasses and watch immediately.

The Thing from Another World (1951)

WATCH

Inspiration for Carpenter’s The Thing, and starring James Arness as the creature.  It’s fun to compare.

The Thing (2011)

WATCH

Pretty well made prequel to Carpenter’s Thing.  They definitely did their homework, right down to the Norwegian camp.  Tip:  Stick around for the credits.

The Thing (1982)

WATCH

Duh.

The Monster (2016)

SKIP

Boring, depressing, I hated the characters, and the monster sucked.  Ella Ballentine’s performance was very good, however.  Still not worth your time, though.

Evil Dead (1981)

WATCH

Sam Raimi’s original classic still holds up.  Come for Bruce under a bookshelf, stay for the old-fangled gore.

TerrorVision (1986)

WATCH?

I’m not sure what I just saw…it was either magnificent, or utter garbage. I don’t know, man…holy shit.

The Fog (1980)

WATCH

Real good, if a bit slow in parts. Carpenter and Curtis is always a good combo, though.

House (1985) & House II: The Second Story (1987)

WATCH

Campy and confident. My kind of movie(s).  Part 1 is definitely the better of the two, with a great performance from William Katt.  Co-starring Bull from Night Court and Norm from Cheers. Sold.

Leviathan (1989)

WATCH

Peter Weller Sci-Fi flick.  I’ve seen it billed as, “Alien underwater”, and it’s not far off from that, really.  This one sneaked by me for 30 years, and was a happy surprise when Amy and I stumbled on it.

Sleepaway Camp (1983)

WATCH

I rented this twice on VHS from Aardvark Video when I was a kid.  Hadn’t watched it since, but always considered it a staple in my personal collection of favorites.  Recently, I picked up the Scream Factory Blu-ray on the cheap, and was happy to discover that the movie still holds up.  Scream Factory does good work.  I remember watching the VHS on an old tube TV, and thinking it was blurry.  The SF edition is just shy of crystal clear, and the sound is fantastic.

Escape from New York (1981)

WATCH

Snake’s a bad ass.  Another great John Carpenter flick with a great score.

Prince of Darkness (1987)

WATCH

I know you’re tired of hearing about John Carpenter.  Well, I’m not, but I’ll give you a break.  Just watch his movies.

The Pyramid (2014)

SKIP

I watched it so you didn’t have to.  You’re welcome…but you owe me.  The monster looks like an mid-90s made-for-TV special, despite being released in 2014.  Just don’t.

Child’s Play (1988)

WATCH

One of the great, off-the-wall slashers.  A vulgar little red-headed doll in overalls chasing people around with a kitchen knife.  Ummm….yep.   Put it on.

Lifeforce (1985)

WATCH

My favorite Tobe Hooper film I’ve seen so far.  Great special effects with a throwback feel.  Also, there’s a whole bunch of nudity.

Chopping Mall (1986)

WATCH

This one’s pretty fun.  A bunch of kids get locked in a mall overnight with killer robots. 80s blood, nudity, and acting just good enough to squeak by.

An American Werewolf in London (1981)

WATCH

Very cool special effects (can you tell I’m a sucker for old-school FX?), a good amount of humor, and cool setting.  That being said, I still don’t think it should be in the COMEDY section on Amazon Prime Video.

John Carpenter Presents: Body Bags (1993)

WATCH

Originally presented by Showtime, this three-part horror anthology features stories directed by Carpenter (who also hosts) and Hooper set in the same world as the Halloween series (Haddonfield, IL is referenced in the first story.) I caught this on late one night in ’93 or ’94, and it may have been my first look into the minds of John Carpenter and Tobe Hooper.

Killer Klowns from Outer Space (1988)

WATCH

Might as well.  It’s just what you think it is.

Fright Night (1985)

WATCH

Fun vampire movie.  Makes me long for the days of traditional cable TV and all-night monster movie marathons.  Great cast and setting, plus look at that movie poster!

976-EVIL 1 & 2 (1988 & 1991)

WATCH

IMDB nailed it:  “People who dial 976-EVIL receive supernatural powers and turn into satanic killers.” Yep.  You could probably SKIP part one, although it’s directed by Robert Englund.  Part two is more fun, but if you have to watch One for Two, so be it.

Invaders From Mars (1986)

WATCH

Not the best Hooper flick, but still watchable.  Cheesy acting with some pretty cool sets, and fun aliens.  Keep a sharp eye out for a cameo from Lifeforce.

Phantasm: Remastered (1979/2016)

Not bad. I felt parts were strangely edited and acted, and it had trouble keeping my attention in some spots. However, I was a tad distracted by other technology, so I’m very much to blame, too. It’s most definitely good enough to warrant marathoning the first three or four, which is what I plan to do when I have the opportunity.

Jaws (1975)

WATCH

Giant shark terrorizing a beach community…still holds up.

Night of the Creeps (1985)

WATCH

Goofy and fun, with some decent attempts at one-liners.  Perhaps (at least a bit of) an inspiration for Slither?

Screamers (1995)

WATCH

90s futuristic Sci-Fi starring Peter Weller and underground killer robots on another planet.  Do you need more?

The Blob (1988)

WATCH

Entertaining as hell, it’s gory and gross with some decent acting.  It’s also full of action, complete with more than a couple, “OH SHIT!” moments.  Wonderful special effects that blend (then) modern looking visuals with those reminiscent of the 50s.

Wishmaster (1997)

WATCH

Pretty decent late 90s horror movie about an evil genie.  Andrew Divoff is creepy as hell, even if a bit over the top.  Watch for cameos by Kane Hodder, Tony Todd and Ted Raimi.

Hellraiser (1987)

EITHER WAY

So-so.  It was ok, but I don’t understand why it’s a horror movie must, honestly.  I understand that for it’s time, it was weird, creepy and unnerving, so I’m not comparing it to modern shock horror.  I just found it boring.

Haunted Honeymoon (1986)

WATCH

A throwback to old time radio programs, this murder/mystery/comedy is written by and starring the director, the wonderful Gene Wilder.  This gem is an old favorite at The Corner, and definitely holds up.  Wonderful cast, great writing, and awesome setting (huge old mansion.)

The Stuff (1985)

WATCH?

Umm…I don’t know how I feel about it, really.  I think I liked it…at least enough to say it’s worth a watch.  It had a very Blob: Alternate Universe feel, which seemed to work.  Michael Moriarty’s performance was a bit bland, but the special effects were just cheesy enough to keep me going.

Scream 4 (2011)

WATCH

Pretty fun time, indeed.  I wasn’t sure if I could handle the “meta” at first, but it wasn’t as ridiculous as I’d previously thought.  I think I was just being a smug asshole, honestly.  Once I pulled my head out, and actually watched it, I liked it.

It (2017)

WATCH

Damn good.  “Horror Goonies” is what I kept hearing from everybody.  I can see that, I think.  Bill’s Pennywise was fantastic and creepy, and the kids were phenomenal.  Can’t wait for more.

It (1990)

WATCH

This movie made me, and half of the country, afraid of clowns in the early 90s.  I think I’m moreso afraid of Tim Curry, though, which means he’s good at what he does.  It definitely wasn’t as scary as I remember, but I was 8 or 9 at the time…It was good, still, though, if a bit cheesy.

C. H. U. D.  (1984)

WATCH

A bit slow in parts, but worth your time, ultimately.  Daniel Stern runs a soup kitchen in grungy clothes and curly hair while he fights humanoid mutants in the NYC sewers…aaaaaaand GO!

Cat’s Eye (1985)

WATCH

Three part horror anthology by Stephen King.  It’s worth it for the last story.  I suggest you just pick up the King of Horror Collection Blu-ray set, as the mastering is really good.  Plus you walk away with four King classics for a good price.

The Fog (2005)

SKIP

Again, you’re welcome…I watched this for you, and I don’t like Tom Welling, so that should show you how much I love you.  Just watch Carpenter’s original Fog and call it good.  I know, he’s listed as a producer on this stinker, so it should be okay, right?  Nope.  According to IMDB, Carpenter said this about his work as Producer:  “I come in and say hello to everybody. Go home.”   There you go.  Even he didn’t stick around for it.

Hatchet (2006)

WATCH

Old-fangled horror.  Loved it.  I don’t remember seeing a lick of computer graphics anywhere in the film.  I may have missed some, but I don’t think so.  Also, Kane Hodder as Victor Crowley?  Bring on the sequels!

Scream (1996)

WATCH

This was a favorite of mine when it came out, and it held up.  It’s actually a bit more fun now, after I’ve had 21 years to watch enough movies to get all of the references.

Prom Night (1980)

WATCH

Although filmed oddly, and a bit slow at first, it turned out to be pretty decent.  I didn’t think so at first, and had to mull it over for a bit.  Jamie Lee Curtis helped for sure, and they fooled me with the killer’s identity.  I was certain I knew who it was, too.  Well, I was wrong…DEAD WRO-…No.  I’m not going to do that to you.  I really WAS wrong, though.

Scream 2 (1997)

WATCH

Good sequel.  Still fun, and self-aware enough to keep you going…Plus Aunt Jackie from Roseanne is in it.

Prom Night II: Hello Mary Lou (1987)

WATCH IF YOU HAVE TIME

Seriously, don’t stress about it.  It’s okay, but there’s no Jamie Lee, and there are more than a few laughable moments.  Good soundtrack, and very supernatural, though…The chalkboard scene was cool, but the wooden horse was just plain weird.

Prom Night (2008)

SKIP THE TEEN DRAMA

WATCH THE IDRIS ELBA SCENES

If possible, that is.  If it’s too much work, just skip the whole damn thing and watch a proper thriller.  Elba’s scenes are effective, but don’t go looking for the 1980 Prom Night story arc…you won’t find it (or anything even close to it), other than people getting slashed up at prom.  Hell, they even tell you in the opening scene who the killer is.  No mystery.

The Gate (1987)

WATCH

This is about the only movie I can tolerate Stephen Dorff in.  A bunch of little demons surface from a weird hole in Dorff’s backyard.  No wonder he started E-Smoking.

 

Scream 3 (2000)

WATCH

I just really like these movies, and this one had me guessing Ghostface’s identity until the final reveal.

Halloween 5: The Revenge of Michael Myers (1989)

WATCH

For Donald Pleasance, if nothing else.  Damn, I love watching him freak out and scream.

“Nyoooooooowe!  HE’S PURE EVIL!!”

He’s seriously become one of my favorite actors.

Terror Train (1980)

WATCH

It’s basically Prom Night on a train…right down to the leading actress, Jamie Lee Curtis.  That’s good enough from me.  I’d love to see what the Blu-ray looks like.

The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

WATCH I GUESS

Tobe Hooper’s film based (loosely) on Ed Gein, is weird as shit.  So much screaming, and nutty looks, even I was begging Leatherface to chop them up.  Still, I believe it’s worth a watch.

House on Pine Street (2015)

SKIP

It had a couple of decent moments, but overall, pretty forgettable (they really phoned in that ending.)  That’s actually exactly what happened.  Amy and I watched this the other day, and I walked right by the PC without even considering putting it on the site, because it was already out of my mind.  It only just occurred to me that I’d seen the movie…so, here you go.

Cult of Chucky (2017)

WATCH

Good old crazy serial killer doll fun.  I really enjoyed it.  Also, Fiona Dourif is the spitting image of her father, Brad Dourif (the voice of Chucky).  I mean, holy shit.

The Babysitter (2017)

EITHER WAY

It’s kind of stupid, kind of good.  Some parts felt like they were trying just a bit too hard to be self-aware and over the top by going out of their way to show you that’s what they were trying to do.  On the other hand, some parts felt rightly done.  The blood and gore was nice, and the dark tones were welcomed, but overall they just balanced each other out.  All in all, mediocre.

Dr. Giggles (1996)

 WATCH

Absolutely full of great quips and ridiculousness. I really don’t know why this movie isn’t a cult favorite. Stars Mark from Roseanne and Piper from Charmed.

The Abominable Dr. Phibes (1971)

WATCH

Weird as shit, and had me captivated.  Cheesy enough to keep me laid back, but tense enough to edge me closer to the end of the couch.  Thanks for the heads up, Bob.

The ‘Burbs (1989)

WATCH & OWN

Another one of our all-time favorites.  Wonderful cast, writing, setting, and directing.  This is a must buy on Blu-ray or DVD.

Shocker (1989)

WATCH

Criticized for being too derivative of earlier works (Nightmare on Elm Street), this one didn’t do too well.  Well, screw that.  Yeah, it has the same feel, but that’s a good thing.  We like to think it’s in the same universe.  However you look at it, it’s worth watching.  It’s good and goofy, and screams (ha!) 1989 Wes Craven.

Ghoulies (1984)

WATCH

Some weirdo makes little demonic hand puppets….er, uh…creatures run around a mansion and kill a bunch of dipshits.  Why are you still reading this?  Watch immediately, please.

OK, folks…I have a confession…I got re-hooked on Supernatural.  I’ve been binging it on Netflix, and haven’t really watched any movies…The show’s just so damned good.  It’s witty, gory, sexy, and clever…I’m on season 9 now.

WATCH

Halloween H20: Twenty Years Later (1998)

WATCH

If you can get past Josh Hartnett’s hair, that is.

Halloween: Resurrection (2002)

SKIP

Even Jamie Lee looked ready to end it.  It’s just bad.  Even though the overall concept is good (live internet feed from the Myers house on Halloween night, with cameras controlled by the audience at home), it’s not pulled off very well.  Also, the acting is terrible (Busta Rhymes may be the best actor in it, since Jamie Lee apparently checked out).  There are boobs, though…so there’s that.

Hatchet II & III (2010 & 2013)

WATCH

Just a bunch of fun, old over the top gore.  I really like the swamp setting, and Kane Hodder’s always great.  Stoked for Victor Crowley.

The Wolf Man (1941)

WATCH

 A bit dramatic in parts, but still very good.  Awesome sets.

Frankenstein (1931)

WATCH & OWN

I’ve only seen three of the original Universal monster movies, but this is my favorite so far.  I was concerned it would be slow, and I’d lose interest, but that wasn’t the case at all.  Karloff was a genius.

The Mummy (1932)

WATCH

Again, Karloff is wonderful.  Very different flick than I was expecting.  I figured Boris would just be chasing people around in rags the whole time.  Not the case.  It actually had some depth, and some damn good special effects for 1932.

Roseanne Tricks & Treats (1988 – )

WATCH

One of the best sitcoms ever made.  Period.  It’s a fantastic show that accurately depicts blue collar life in the 80s and 90s.  Then you throw in the over the top Halloween episodes?  Sold.

The Wolfman (2010)

WATCH

This is my favorite werewolf creature to date.  Just cool as hell.  The way he moves, snarls, growls and howls is simply amazing.

The Conjuring (2013)

WATCH

Just a damn good ghost movie.  When it was released, it was the best horror movie I’d seen in a while.  Hell, it’s still up there.  Scares the shit out of me every time, I’m not ashamed to admit.

 

The Mutilator a.k.a. Fall Break (1984)

A group of college kids vacation in a beach house owned by the lead actor’s killer father.  You can guess where it goes from there.  The acting is unbelievably awful.  The opening theme music scene is worth watching all by itself, though.  For a few minutes, I thought I was watching an 80s sitcom.  I had to watch it twice, just to make sure I wasn’t dreaming.

Chris: Watch once

Amy: Watching Bates Motel in the other room

Mutant (1984)

The (in my mind) spiritual prequel to Nightmare at Noon, starring Wings Hauser and Mumblin’ Bo Hopkins.  Wings and his brother get stranded in a small Georgia town being overrun by toxic zombies.  Enter Hopkins, the American treasure.  It’s up to Wings, Bo, and  the bartender/school teacher Holly (Jody Medford) to survive the night.

Chris: Watch now

Amy: Watch

Tucker and Dale VS Evil (2010)

Good and campy, with very good performances by Tudyk and Labine.  I was expecting a more supernatural presence, but enjoyed it just the same.

Chris: Watch

Amy: Watch

DeepStar Six (1989)

Scientists inhabiting an underwater nuclear missile site unearth an ancient monster (whom you don’t see until over an hour into the 90ish minute movie)…

Chris: Skip

Amy: Skip

Dolls (1987)

A varied group of people get stranded in a doll maker’s creepy mansion overnight during a storm.  No big deal, right? Well, the dolls are alive.  And murderous.  Go now.

Chris: Watch

Amy: “Everybody should watch it once.”

Motel Hell (1980)

Goofy movie about a motel ran by a “farmers”…people farmers! Ha! Watch out for Cliff from Cheers.  The soundtrack is…killing me…I’m so sorry…

Chris: Watch

Amy: “Everybody should try to watch it once.”

Slumber Party Massacre (1982)

Pretty straight forward slasher fun. Decent atmosphere, shameless nudity, and an escaped maniac with a cordless drill amounts to some pretty good kills.

Chris: Watch

Amy: Undecided

Sleepaway Camp 2: Unhappy Campers (1988)

The second hatch’ted installment in the Sleepaway Camp series, and starring two sisters of famous people! Yep, you guessed it: Bruce Springsteen’s sister Pamela, and Renée Estevez (sister to Charlie Sheen and Emillio Estevez)…wait, you didn’t guess that?

Chris: Watch

Amy: Watch

Sleepaway Camp 3: Teenage Wasteland (1989)

Springsteen amped up the kookiness and creativity in this sequel.

Chris: Watch

Amy: Watch

Halloween (2018)

Nailed it. It had the atmosphere, suspense, nods to the OGs, and great kills. Also, let’s not forget Jamie Lee Curtis.

Chris: Watch

Amy: Watch

The Nun (2018)

Creepy as shit. A good installment to the Conjuring franchise.

Chris: Watch

Amy: Watch

976-EVIL 2 (1991)

I know it’s already on here up above somewheres, but Amy hadn’t seen it. Had to be done. She wasn’t amused.

Chris: Watch

Amy: Skip

The Dead Pit (1989)

Dr. Giggles’s older brother, Dr. Zombies runs around experimenting on people in a mental institution.

Chris: Skip

Amy: Skip

Pumpkinhead (1988)

Still a classic. LH is a little over the top though.

Chris: Watch

Amy: Watch

Winchester (2018)

Not bad, but very slow in parts. The house was very cool, though. Patience required.

Chris: Skip

Amy: Skip

Scarecrows (1988)

No clue. I fell asleep 10 minutes in. Amy was in the other room watching The 100. I think I saw a scarecrow before I fell out…

 

 

I had a bit of surgery this morning, which has left me laid out in bed for a couple of days.  Fear not, good readers! I have films and flicks to keep me busy and…un-bored!  I can’t promise that I won’t pass out during one or all of them (pain killers), so my reviews will be most likely based on partial viewings of at least a couple films.  Also, “review” may be a tad…completely wrong.  They’re more just reactions to the movies the moment I watch them.  If I pass out during one that I actually want to go back to, I’ll let you know.  Ok, that’s enough jabberjawing…To the theater!

First up:

Teen Wolf (1985)

This is one of the many movies that my parents had to be absolutely sick of when I was a kid. They’d say, “What would you like to watch?” I’d respond with, “Team Wolf!” I was worried it wouldn’t hold up, but I was wrong. That wiener at the end is weird, though. However, still a great movie, and I stayed awake thru the Percocet!

 

Troll (1986)

Well, this is an odd one. I really like the special effects (very 1986), but the noises are a bit much. If you have trouble listening to people eat, avoid the kitchen scene in the beginning of the flick. Special note: the two main male characters are both named Harry Potter…oh and Elaine from Seinfeld is in it…Plus there’s a gross little troll running around messing with people. I’m fairly sure he turned them into elves and faeries, but I did pass out after my 2nd dose of pain killers…Michael Moriarty is a fucking weird dude.

 

Rawhead Rex (1986)

This one had its moments, but overall a bit boring. I was a bit surprised when I realized it came out in 86. I thought it was 79-82 at the latest. Worth a watch if it’s easily attainable, though, just for the monster.

 

No Retreat, No Surrender (1986) [Rifftrax Edition (2015)

Cheesey as hell. JCVD isn’t in it all that much, so I was a bit bummed, but the lack of actual acting makes up for it.

 

Demon Wind (1990)

A bit of an Evil Dead feel. Worth a watch if it’s lying around.

Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017)

Really liked it. No boring origin story that we all already know. Just right into being Spider-Man. Keep ’em coming, Marvel.

 

Navy Seals (1990)

No clue. I fell asleep after the Charlie Sheen bicycle riding montage.

Hard Target (1993)

Stars Jean Claude Van Damme, directed by John Woo (debut), and co-produced by Sam Raimi…Want more? Also stars Lance Henriksen as the antagonist who hunts people…still more? Wilfred Brimley and Ted Raimi….JCVD’s mullet.

Also this:

 

 

Raw Deal (1986)

So-so. I was in and out, typing on the laptop, and downloading NES emulators to my phone. I did nod off twice, but they were those instant wake-up narc outs that just disorient you for a couple of minutes and make you question reality.

 

Mute (2018)

Skip

Aside from the last half hour, it was incredibly slow and boring. The cinematography was decent, and the setting was very cool (futuristic Berlin), but the story didn’t pull through for me. The end got weird, and it came off desperate, as if attempting to reel you back in and slap you awake.

 

Thor: Ragnarok (2017)

Watch

Full of action, comical, and overall pretty light. I was home sick and needed something to watch that wasn’t going to bog me down and make me think a whole lot. This kept me entertained the entire time. The colors were fantastic, and the cinematography was spot on. Also, Cate Blanchett is amazing.

 

Avengers: Infinity War (2018)

What? I watched Thor: Ragnarok, and this was right there on Netflix! I had to…Anyway, it’s good. I was worried it was going to be a little long in the tooth, but even after the 2 1/2 hour mark, I was still awake! Furthermore, I see myself watching the new one, as well. Josh Brolin was fantastic, but I thought Chris Pratt was a bit much.

 

AVP: Alien vs. Predator (2004)

Watch

One of these days, I’ll pick up The Predator, but until then I figured I would watch one of my favorites. It’s not a “good movie” really, but it’s fun and gave me everything I wanted. Lance Henriksen’s in it. That’s usually enough for me, but add two of my favorite franchises and it’s all over.

 

Lethal Weapon 2 (1989)

Watch

I started LW1 the other day, but I was severely under the weather, and passed out drooling within no time, so I couldn’t put it on here. I watched this one, though! It’s fun! It’s an early Lethal Weapon movie, so of course it’s fun. Ok? Ok ok ok ok ok ok.

 

Species II (1998)

Watch if you’ve seen the first one.

Turned out to be a decent fun-bad flick for the moment. Pretty forgettable once it’s done, though.

 

Deadly Instincts or Breeders (1997)

Skip unless you’re watching the Rifftrax version.

The monster animatronics are actually pretty good, which is clearly where the budget went. I’m ok with that.

 

Silver Bullet (1985)

Watch.

The death scenes are surprisingly gory, and Gary Busey’s performance is surprisingly Wings Hausery. My only regret is no Mumblin Bo Hopkins act-alike. Haim dropped the ball on that one.

 

Split Second (1992)

Either way.

Rutger Hauer fans will love it. He’s in full swing, chasing around a monster in 1992’s 2008. It has its moments for sure, but it’s still a bit rough.

 

Star Hunter (1996)

Skip.

Holy shit, Roddy McDowall…no…Don’t do that…This movie’s just awful. McDowall’s an alien who hunts a group of teenagers via a remote controlled robot with a shotgun. The acting got worse as the movie drug on, and it wasn’t very good to begin with…I feel dirty.

 

Pumpkinhead 2: Blood Wings (1993)

Watch for the monster.

PH is just such a cool monster. He looked a little dry and rubbery, but still not bad. The acting is horrible, but it’s a good fun-bad flick.

Graveyard Shift (1993)

Watch.

Movie adaptation of Stephen King’s story about a giant creature killing a bunch of people in a mill in Maine.

 

 

“…Full Moon today…yep.”

 

Wow, I can’t believe you’re still here.  Holy ding-dong hecka-madoodle shit.  Thank you for indulging me in my ridiculousness.  Please peruse the rest of the site, and let me know if you’d like to hear my opinions and reactions to any movies not listed above.  Again, this is a rolling post, so I will be adding more flicks as we fly thru the flora and fauna of years of cinema.  I love you.  Good night, and watch out for the raccoons.

 

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Photo credits to IMDB

 

Copyright Christopher Kalthoff 2020